Why I Became a Nurse (-ing Student)

I have always been a very passionate person, regardless of what I am doing.  Duncan says it is one of the things he loves most about me, but also one of the things he doesn't like so much (because my emotions can be overwhelming for him and myself and my bar is always set very high).

Nursing wasn't my first major.... it was my third.  I'm a seasoned student, my friends.  I was originally a psychology major and I remember one of the first conversations I ever had with Duncan was about where I planned to go with psychology: I wanted to work for the CIA doing criminal profiling.  (Understand my previous comment about setting the bar very high now?)  My next major was history.  Oh, boy oh boy, I loved history.  Everything about it.  I wanted to be like Indiana Jones (yes, I know he was anthropology) or Ben Gates in National Treasure.  I still have such a passion for it and fortunately so does Duncan, so I'm still able to get my history on.

Anyways, I was literally a year or so away from graduating (this was 2009) when something came over me during Thanksgiving.  I was listening to a friend talk about why she wanted to be a nurse and I just couldn't stop thinking about it.  I prayed that weekend, did a little research, and then talked with my parents and Duncan.  By Monday, I was changing my major.

This is how God works in my life.  He inspires me to the point of no return.  He's done this on numerous occasions, and I guess you could say that I'm either lucky or crazy in that aspect.  But every "best decision I ever made" started out just like this.

So, this was one of the "best decisions I ever made."  It happened in a flash and there was no turning back.  I haven't regretted it one second.  God has been with me every step of the way.  By January 2010, I was enrolled in the classes that I needed to be and on the very first day of the very first class I had for my nursing prerequisites I sat down and started talking to this wonderful woman who would later turn out to be my partner in crime and maid of honor.  That was another best decision I ever made: to sit in the front row in a big auditorium next to this random girl.

I took full loads all 2010: Anatomy I and lab, Anatomy II and lab, Microbiology (still my favorite class to this day), Microbiology lab (oh, how I miss working with bacteria!), Biology I and lab, Biology II and lab, Statistics, an introduction to Health and Human Sciences, Abnormal Psychology, and a few other things.  By August, I had submitted my application (what was due October 1st).  And I heard back in November 2010 that I was accepted (thanks to my partner in crime, but that's another long story about how they never received my application until she said something when she got her acceptance!).  About 300 people applied in fall 2010 for 72 spots.  I started the nursing program in Spring 2011.

Here I am, a year and a half later, another year to go, and boy I still have such a passion for it.  The human body is so amazing.  As you may have read in my first one of these, I have learned and seen so much.  I never thought I would have the stomach I have!  The things I never thought I would care for in the medical/nursing field, I've ended up really enjoying, namely, wound care! 

***And, yes, since my last nursing related post, I was fortunate enough to see a real live human heart...... beating....... off pump...... for three glorious hours...... and I was like two feet away....... surgical marvel, I tell you!  I have learned so much about myself and what I may want to do with nursing, but I've learned, like anything, God will inspire me and I will do it and I will be so happy that I will never look back.

Why I Became a Nurse (-ing Student)

I have always been a very passionate person, regardless of what I am doing.  Duncan says it is one of the things he loves most about me, but also one of the things he doesn't like so much (because my emotions can be overwhelming for him and myself and my bar is always set very high).

Nursing wasn't my first major.... it was my third.  I'm a seasoned student, my friends.  I was originally a psychology major and I remember one of the first conversations I ever had with Duncan was about where I planned to go with psychology: I wanted to work for the CIA doing criminal profiling.  (Understand my previous comment about setting the bar very high now?)  My next major was history.  Oh, boy oh boy, I loved history.  Everything about it.  I wanted to be like Indiana Jones (yes, I know he was anthropology) or Ben Gates in National Treasure.  I still have such a passion for it and fortunately so does Duncan, so I'm still able to get my history on.

Anyways, I was literally a year or so away from graduating (this was 2009) when something came over me during Thanksgiving.  I was listening to a friend talk about why she wanted to be a nurse and I just couldn't stop thinking about it.  I prayed that weekend, did a little research, and then talked with my parents and Duncan.  By Monday, I was changing my major.

This is how God works in my life.  He inspires me to the point of no return.  He's done this on numerous occasions, and I guess you could say that I'm either lucky or crazy in that aspect.  But every "best decision I ever made" started out just like this.

So, this was one of the "best decisions I ever made."  It happened in a flash and there was no turning back.  I haven't regretted it one second.  God has been with me every step of the way.  By January 2010, I was enrolled in the classes that I needed to be and on the very first day of the very first class I had for my nursing prerequisites I sat down and started talking to this wonderful woman who would later turn out to be my partner in crime and maid of honor.  That was another best decision I ever made: to sit in the front row in a big auditorium next to this random girl.

I took full loads all 2010: Anatomy I and lab, Anatomy II and lab, Microbiology (still my favorite class to this day), Microbiology lab (oh, how I miss working with bacteria!), Biology I and lab, Biology II and lab, Statistics, an introduction to Health and Human Sciences, Abnormal Psychology, and a few other things.  By August, I had submitted my application (what was due October 1st).  And I heard back in November 2010 that I was accepted (thanks to my partner in crime, but that's another long story about how they never received my application until she said something when she got her acceptance!).  About 300 people applied in fall 2010 for 72 spots.  I started the nursing program in Spring 2011.

Here I am, a year and a half later, another year to go, and boy I still have such a passion for it.  The human body is so amazing.  As you may have read in my first one of these, I have learned and seen so much.  I never thought I would have the stomach I have!  The things I never thought I would care for in the medical/nursing field, I've ended up really enjoying, namely, wound care! 

***And, yes, since my last nursing related post, I was fortunate enough to see a real live human heart...... beating....... off pump...... for three glorious hours...... and I was like two feet away....... surgical marvel, I tell you!  I have learned so much about myself and what I may want to do with nursing, but I've learned, like anything, God will inspire me and I will do it and I will be so happy that I will never look back.

my first code.

Disclaimer: this does have some heavy medical discussion, but there is a happy ending, I promise!

All or most of you probably know by now that I am a nursing student.  I changed my major three times and was almost done with a degree in history before the Holy Spirit inspired in me to do nursing.  Like many other things that God tells me to do that sound completely crazy, it was such a wonderful decision.

With that said, today I am linking up with Anna and Renee today to talk about nursing experiences.

Being a nursing student, I've seen and performed a lot.  More than many of my nursing student peers, actually.  I've started IV's, I've put in an NG tube (during my first ever rotation!!), I've seen almost every organ in the human body except the heart and the brain and spine, I've even seen the female ovaries; I've seen an amputation (and was allowed to feel real bone and muscle!!); I've been in a trauma OR; I've cleaned up various body fluids; I've seen several circumcisions and even helped out in a few; I've witnessed a baby's first breaths; I've given a suppository; I've worked in many psych units; I've pulled out urinary catheters; I've administrated medications via all the routes except intradermal: oral (PO), IV, IM (even one in the bum!), subcutaneous; I've done a wet-to-dry dressing change on a woman with a CABG (sorry all you non-medical folks); I've prepared a body for the morgue; and SO much more.  I'm pretty darn lucky, guys, for a nursing student.  I feel like I've won the lottery for nursing student experiences!  But, there is one experience that I haven't mentioned.

After I finished up taking care of a patient, I heard over the intercom system for back up on my floor.  Immediately, I included myself in that back up because, hey, they could use any helping hand.  An outpatient who came in for a chemotherapy treatment had coded.  Dopplers were needed to find a pulse, while medication after medication was used to help restart his system and CPR was performed by at least four different people.  I watched in awe as at least 8 people were performing different tasks, were working in amazing unison, all trying to save this patient,

Now, apparently, after 20 minutes, hospitals tend to call time of death.  Especially with the heart muscle and the brain, damage occurs within seconds, and after 20 minutes of little to no perfusion to vital organs there is usually too much damage that has been done. Also, after 20 minutes the risk of patient's returning is so rare.  Even if they do, patients are admitted to the ICU (intensive care unit) for a good amount of time following the event.

With all that said, in the midst of what appears to be well-orchestrated chaos by various people who came together to work as a team dedicated to save the patient's life, I stood there watching.  Respiratory therapy; physicians; nurses from the floor, including the floor's charge nurse, the outpatient facility in which the patient was receiving chemotherapy, and the charge nurse from ICU; techs; a pharmacist; and a physician's assistant were all doing something to save this patient.

I was there ready to help and was asked to get a doppler to find a pulse, but otherwise they didn't need any help from me.  A pulse was eventually found in the groin area, a positive sign that brought much relief to the team who continued CPR (yes, both chest compressions and assisted breathing), administering medications, trying to determine a blood pressure, etc.

I stood there for 19 minutes, friends.  Nineteen minutes.  That is a colossal amount of time in this situation (ah, Einstein and that darn relativity).

After 19 minutes, a blood pressure was detected and his lungs were starting to breathe on their own.  This patient was still unconscious and was now in the process of being transferred to ICU, in which the charge nurse from the ICU was so gracious and allowed me to accompany him.

A little over a week later this patient had finally woken up.  The nurse on that shift asked the patient what they remembered, in which the patient offered the following response: "Not much.  But I remember going to a beautiful place." 

Now, not one part of this story has been fabricated.  I did not see the records for this patient nor did I arrive on the scene at the exact time that the clock started so maybe the time wasn't exactly nineteen minutes officially.  But it was about nineteen minutes on my watch since I had stepped in to the room and about when I heard the good news.

One of the nurses that was working in the outpatient facility and was present during the code would routinely check up on this patient in the ICU.  This nurse told me the patient's update shortly after the they had regained consciousness, on the next shift that this nurse and I were both working.

I am sure that we all read about the "miracles" that happen in hospitals, OR, etc.  I do not know what I would do had this outcome turn out differently.  As emotional as I am, I have come to find that I am pretty quick on my feet to react and put emotions aside when I'm working at the hospital (of course, never doing something outside of my capabilities of a nursing student unless in the presence of at least one licensed nurse).  However, after all the chaos stopped and I resumed my responsibilities on the floor, I definitely needed to take about five minutes.

I don't think I will ever forget this experience.  Fortunately, I have never witnessed a death and many nurses say that there are far more people that walk out the hospital doors than those that don't.  I'm glad that during my first code I didn't have many responsibilities because I feel like I can better understand the situation for when I do have a specific role to play.  But I remain very humbled, slightly emotional as I recall the memory, and continuously in awe of God's presence and will. 

my first code.

Disclaimer: this does have some heavy medical discussion, but there is a happy ending, I promise!

All or most of you probably know by now that I am a nursing student.  I changed my major three times and was almost done with a degree in history before the Holy Spirit inspired in me to do nursing.  Like many other things that God tells me to do that sound completely crazy, it was such a wonderful decision.

With that said, today I am linking up with Anna and Renee today to talk about nursing experiences.

Being a nursing student, I've seen and performed a lot.  More than many of my nursing student peers, actually.  I've started IV's, I've put in an NG tube (during my first ever rotation!!), I've seen almost every organ in the human body except the heart and the brain and spine, I've even seen the female ovaries; I've seen an amputation (and was allowed to feel real bone and muscle!!); I've been in a trauma OR; I've cleaned up various body fluids; I've seen several circumcisions and even helped out in a few; I've witnessed a baby's first breaths; I've given a suppository; I've worked in many psych units; I've pulled out urinary catheters; I've administrated medications via all the routes except intradermal: oral (PO), IV, IM (even one in the bum!), subcutaneous; I've done a wet-to-dry dressing change on a woman with a CABG (sorry all you non-medical folks); I've prepared a body for the morgue; and SO much more.  I'm pretty darn lucky, guys, for a nursing student.  I feel like I've won the lottery for nursing student experiences!  But, there is one experience that I haven't mentioned.

After I finished up taking care of a patient, I heard over the intercom system for back up on my floor.  Immediately, I included myself in that back up because, hey, they could use any helping hand.  An outpatient who came in for a chemotherapy treatment had coded.  Dopplers were needed to find a pulse, while medication after medication was used to help restart his system and CPR was performed by at least four different people.  I watched in awe as at least 8 people were performing different tasks, were working in amazing unison, all trying to save this patient,

Now, apparently, after 20 minutes, hospitals tend to call time of death.  Especially with the heart muscle and the brain, damage occurs within seconds, and after 20 minutes of little to no perfusion to vital organs there is usually too much damage that has been done. Also, after 20 minutes the risk of patient's returning is so rare.  Even if they do, patients are admitted to the ICU (intensive care unit) for a good amount of time following the event.

With all that said, in the midst of what appears to be well-orchestrated chaos by various people who came together to work as a team dedicated to save the patient's life, I stood there watching.  Respiratory therapy; physicians; nurses from the floor, including the floor's charge nurse, the outpatient facility in which the patient was receiving chemotherapy, and the charge nurse from ICU; techs; a pharmacist; and a physician's assistant were all doing something to save this patient.

I was there ready to help and was asked to get a doppler to find a pulse, but otherwise they didn't need any help from me.  A pulse was eventually found in the groin area, a positive sign that brought much relief to the team who continued CPR (yes, both chest compressions and assisted breathing), administering medications, trying to determine a blood pressure, etc.

I stood there for 19 minutes, friends.  Nineteen minutes.  That is a colossal amount of time in this situation (ah, Einstein and that darn relativity).

After 19 minutes, a blood pressure was detected and his lungs were starting to breathe on their own.  This patient was still unconscious and was now in the process of being transferred to ICU, in which the charge nurse from the ICU was so gracious and allowed me to accompany him.

A little over a week later this patient had finally woken up.  The nurse on that shift asked the patient what they remembered, in which the patient offered the following response: "Not much.  But I remember going to a beautiful place." 

Now, not one part of this story has been fabricated.  I did not see the records for this patient nor did I arrive on the scene at the exact time that the clock started so maybe the time wasn't exactly nineteen minutes officially.  But it was about nineteen minutes on my watch since I had stepped in to the room and about when I heard the good news.

One of the nurses that was working in the outpatient facility and was present during the code would routinely check up on this patient in the ICU.  This nurse told me the patient's update shortly after the they had regained consciousness, on the next shift that this nurse and I were both working.

I am sure that we all read about the "miracles" that happen in hospitals, OR, etc.  I do not know what I would do had this outcome turn out differently.  As emotional as I am, I have come to find that I am pretty quick on my feet to react and put emotions aside when I'm working at the hospital (of course, never doing something outside of my capabilities of a nursing student unless in the presence of at least one licensed nurse).  However, after all the chaos stopped and I resumed my responsibilities on the floor, I definitely needed to take about five minutes.

I don't think I will ever forget this experience.  Fortunately, I have never witnessed a death and many nurses say that there are far more people that walk out the hospital doors than those that don't.  I'm glad that during my first code I didn't have many responsibilities because I feel like I can better understand the situation for when I do have a specific role to play.  But I remain very humbled, slightly emotional as I recall the memory, and continuously in awe of God's presence and will. 

My Story

I love reading about people being people. You know, being themselves. Being who God created to be and living (or striving to live) at their fullest potential. That's what I love most about the blogosphere. We are all a bunch of people just living our lives, trying to make our print on the world. We may not make it in to the history books, but, for some of us, that's not the point.

So then I got to thinking. What is my story? When it is all said and done, how do I want my story to play out?

Yeah, I'm sure most people have it figured out by now. And I sure as heck thought I had it figured out at least two dozen times by now. But, hey, c'est la vie?!

So my challenge to you (and myself) is to kick of these forty days of Lent and really try to figure out who it is God is asking you to be just for these forty days. I could say let's figure it out for the rest of our lives, but we're not supposed to know who we're going to be in five or ten years.

Life is full of moments. 

Those moments are what define are days - for better or worse. 

I believe it is in those moments that God calls us to simply be. 

Be ourselves and follow His path for us. 

And in these next forty days, I am going to do just that :

be who I am supposed to be now. 

Today. Not tomorrow, not next year. Today. 

And He will lead me safely in to tomorrow.

I believe it is that simplicity, that patience, and that obedience that will give me the joy, the moments, and the memories that will define my story for when I meet my Creator.

Happy Ash Wednesday!

My Story

I love reading about people being people. You know, being themselves. Being who God created to be and living (or striving to live) at their fullest potential. That's what I love most about the blogosphere. We are all a bunch of people just living our lives, trying to make our print on the world. We may not make it in to the history books, but, for some of us, that's not the point.

So then I got to thinking. What is my story? When it is all said and done, how do I want my story to play out?

Yeah, I'm sure most people have it figured out by now. And I sure as heck thought I had it figured out at least two dozen times by now. But, hey, c'est la vie?!

So my challenge to you (and myself) is to kick of these forty days of Lent and really try to figure out who it is God is asking you to be just for these forty days. I could say let's figure it out for the rest of our lives, but we're not supposed to know who we're going to be in five or ten years.

Life is full of moments. 

Those moments are what define are days - for better or worse. 

I believe it is in those moments that God calls us to simply be. 

Be ourselves and follow His path for us. 

And in these next forty days, I am going to do just that :

be who I am supposed to be now. 

Today. Not tomorrow, not next year. Today. 

And He will lead me safely in to tomorrow.

I believe it is that simplicity, that patience, and that obedience that will give me the joy, the moments, and the memories that will define my story for when I meet my Creator.

Happy Ash Wednesday!

When Failure is Good

Post originally written 19 December 2011.  I hesitated posting it because it's very personal, but this is a part of my story and I feel like sharing it with you.  After all, it is my blog and the blog is an expression of me.  Have a wonderful day!

I believe that there can be something beautiful in failure.  It's a lesson you wouldn't have otherwise learned and, sometimes, that may be something positive and necessary in life at that moment.  

I have provided part of my life experiences in the past few months to explain my reasoning.  I am not looking for pity in any way, I am simply offering a part of my story to you.

(via Pinterest)

Some Background

This fall was incredibly challenging for me for many reasons.  My classes have become increasingly more difficult (which is on purpose as each nursing class builds on the one before it).  Juggling school and the hospital became tedious.  I had no break between spring and summer semester and spent most of my days studying, at school, or in the hospital.  If I wasn't studying or sleeping, I felt like I was wasting my time and often felt stressed when doing things that weren't academic.

To be honest, I was exhausted.  Since March, I've just noticed a complete shift in my attitude and my ability to perform academically.  I have been non-stop since I graduated high school (school year round and some work on the side).  My family and friends were noticing changes and it became increasingly difficult for me to get out of bed, get motivated, find interest in things I once enjoyed, etc.  So, I went to get counseling.  It was easily one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Breaking Down

When I first started therapy, we were looking at skills to help me relax, deal with stress, work on my motivation, and help work through some emotions and feelings I was experiencing that I noticed were not normal for me.  With the fall semester, everything just seemed to spiral.  I would study for two weeks for each test in this one class and would still fail.  I've been a straight-A, overachieving, never-miss-a-class, loved-everything-I-was-learning student all of my college career and the failures were like this blow on top of everything else.  My teacher advised me twice that I should drop the class, but I didn't, thinking that I knew the information and I enjoyed the subject, so it must just be a fluke.  It wasn't, my friends.

My depression became full-blown.  I couldn't pull myself out of my "rut."  I had less of an appetite, my sleep was affected, I found it increasingly difficult to focus, I had no energy or interest in things, I was irritable and sad, and I constantly struggled with feeling worthless.  I even pulled away from everyone.  (But, don't worry, I never had any suicidal or homicidal ideations!)

On top of that, I've been experiencing shortness of breath since the beginning of the summer and around September-October, it was getting to really affect my quality of life. There were times when my bedtime routine became what seemed like a vigorous exercise.  I had been to the doctor several times for analysis and x-rays.  The x-ray revealed what seemed like bronchitis, I was treated as such, but felt no relief.  On November 19th, when at a 12-hour hospital shift, I repeatedly had bouts where I couldn't breathe and I went to the ER, with my mother and Duncan at my side.

Upon receiving another failure in the one class, and not for lack of trying in spite of my episodes, I spoke with my family, my advisors, my therapist, and the university to see what I can do.  Fortunately, everyone was supportive and I was able to make arrangements for the semester and for the continuation of my program plan.

Now I finally had the time to focus on what was and is most important: my health.  I needed to get better: mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally... holistically.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened,

and I will give you rest. ...learn from me, for I am gentle

and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

- Matthew 11: 28-29

Lessons

Though I felt like a failure in the beginning of all this mess, I quickly realized that sometimes knowing and accepting what you cannot do is a good thing.  It is positive and healthy.  It is not a failure; it is a decision that was not arrived to light-heartedly. Focusing on yourself is not selfish, it is healthy and often necessary for the human condition.

We are not created to be perfect.  We are created for many things, but being the "perfect" being is not one of them.  We are, in my opinion, called to be the perfect version of ourselves, or as much as possible.  We are given struggles, obstacles, and tragedies to help define us, to teach us something, and, as an attempt sometimes, to bring us closer to our true self and our Creator.  

I learned a lot this semester and found myself redefining my life in valuable ways.  You see, I had all these plans for after I graduated (which was supposed to be in May 2012 before the wedding) and for what I was going to do with my nursing degree.  I love nursing and I love the opportunities it presents.  But, I was planning my future way too much and my high-expectations and type-A personality were breaking me down, not building me up.  I had the mentality that I had to get straight-A's so I can graduate at the top of my class, have a competitive resume, do medical missions around the world, get in to graduate school and ultimately get my Ph.D and lead my own research team for the CDC (still a dream to work for the CDC by the way!) and study diseases, bacteria, viruses (yes, I am a dork and love microbiology).  

Duncan and I often had serious (and frustrating) discussions about this because I was putting these dreams of mine ahead of him, our future family, and, most importantly, ahead of God and His plans for me.  I often thought that my education was more important than anything -- and though it is still important to me, I definitely wouldn't say it is more important than anything.  

I was incredibly humbled this semester.  I realized that though I love those dreams of mine, the only thing that will ever make me happiest in my life is going down His path for me.  Sure, other paths will provide me some amount of happiness, but not as much happiness as the one in which I follow Him completely.  He knows my future, my mission, and He knows me better than I know myself.  I can't dictate my own mission to Him and expect great results all on my own.  But, He can.  

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to

give you hope and a future."

- Jeremiah 29:11

Though I am still working on my physical health (still have yet to find a cause for my shortness of breath and I am working with a pulmonologist), my mental and emotional health has improved dramatically.  There are things I am doing now that I haven't done in a year or more and I am so happy (something I haven't felt to this degree all in 2011).  It is unfortunate how this affected my program plan, but I continue to find so many blessings that have risen from all of this.

When Failure is Good

Post originally written 19 December 2011.  I hesitated posting it because it's very personal, but this is a part of my story and I feel like sharing it with you.  After all, it is my blog and the blog is an expression of me.  Have a wonderful day!

I believe that there can be something beautiful in failure.  It's a lesson you wouldn't have otherwise learned and, sometimes, that may be something positive and necessary in life at that moment.  

I have provided part of my life experiences in the past few months to explain my reasoning.  I am not looking for pity in any way, I am simply offering a part of my story to you.

(via Pinterest)

Some Background

This fall was incredibly challenging for me for many reasons.  My classes have become increasingly more difficult (which is on purpose as each nursing class builds on the one before it).  Juggling school and the hospital became tedious.  I had no break between spring and summer semester and spent most of my days studying, at school, or in the hospital.  If I wasn't studying or sleeping, I felt like I was wasting my time and often felt stressed when doing things that weren't academic.

To be honest, I was exhausted.  Since March, I've just noticed a complete shift in my attitude and my ability to perform academically.  I have been non-stop since I graduated high school (school year round and some work on the side).  My family and friends were noticing changes and it became increasingly difficult for me to get out of bed, get motivated, find interest in things I once enjoyed, etc.  So, I went to get counseling.  It was easily one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Breaking Down

When I first started therapy, we were looking at skills to help me relax, deal with stress, work on my motivation, and help work through some emotions and feelings I was experiencing that I noticed were not normal for me.  With the fall semester, everything just seemed to spiral.  I would study for two weeks for each test in this one class and would still fail.  I've been a straight-A, overachieving, never-miss-a-class, loved-everything-I-was-learning student all of my college career and the failures were like this blow on top of everything else.  My teacher advised me twice that I should drop the class, but I didn't, thinking that I knew the information and I enjoyed the subject, so it must just be a fluke.  It wasn't, my friends.

My depression became full-blown.  I couldn't pull myself out of my "rut."  I had less of an appetite, my sleep was affected, I found it increasingly difficult to focus, I had no energy or interest in things, I was irritable and sad, and I constantly struggled with feeling worthless.  I even pulled away from everyone.  (But, don't worry, I never had any suicidal or homicidal ideations!)

On top of that, I've been experiencing shortness of breath since the beginning of the summer and around September-October, it was getting to really affect my quality of life. There were times when my bedtime routine became what seemed like a vigorous exercise.  I had been to the doctor several times for analysis and x-rays.  The x-ray revealed what seemed like bronchitis, I was treated as such, but felt no relief.  On November 19th, when at a 12-hour hospital shift, I repeatedly had bouts where I couldn't breathe and I went to the ER, with my mother and Duncan at my side.

Upon receiving another failure in the one class, and not for lack of trying in spite of my episodes, I spoke with my family, my advisors, my therapist, and the university to see what I can do.  Fortunately, everyone was supportive and I was able to make arrangements for the semester and for the continuation of my program plan.

Now I finally had the time to focus on what was and is most important: my health.  I needed to get better: mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally... holistically.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened,

and I will give you rest. ...learn from me, for I am gentle

and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

- Matthew 11: 28-29

Lessons

Though I felt like a failure in the beginning of all this mess, I quickly realized that sometimes knowing and accepting what you cannot do is a good thing.  It is positive and healthy.  It is not a failure; it is a decision that was not arrived to light-heartedly. Focusing on yourself is not selfish, it is healthy and often necessary for the human condition.

We are not created to be perfect.  We are created for many things, but being the "perfect" being is not one of them.  We are, in my opinion, called to be the perfect version of ourselves, or as much as possible.  We are given struggles, obstacles, and tragedies to help define us, to teach us something, and, as an attempt sometimes, to bring us closer to our true self and our Creator.  

I learned a lot this semester and found myself redefining my life in valuable ways.  You see, I had all these plans for after I graduated (which was supposed to be in May 2012 before the wedding) and for what I was going to do with my nursing degree.  I love nursing and I love the opportunities it presents.  But, I was planning my future way too much and my high-expectations and type-A personality were breaking me down, not building me up.  I had the mentality that I had to get straight-A's so I can graduate at the top of my class, have a competitive resume, do medical missions around the world, get in to graduate school and ultimately get my Ph.D and lead my own research team for the CDC (still a dream to work for the CDC by the way!) and study diseases, bacteria, viruses (yes, I am a dork and love microbiology).  

Duncan and I often had serious (and frustrating) discussions about this because I was putting these dreams of mine ahead of him, our future family, and, most importantly, ahead of God and His plans for me.  I often thought that my education was more important than anything -- and though it is still important to me, I definitely wouldn't say it is more important than anything.  

I was incredibly humbled this semester.  I realized that though I love those dreams of mine, the only thing that will ever make me happiest in my life is going down His path for me.  Sure, other paths will provide me some amount of happiness, but not as much happiness as the one in which I follow Him completely.  He knows my future, my mission, and He knows me better than I know myself.  I can't dictate my own mission to Him and expect great results all on my own.  But, He can.  

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to

give you hope and a future."

- Jeremiah 29:11

Though I am still working on my physical health (still have yet to find a cause for my shortness of breath and I am working with a pulmonologist), my mental and emotional health has improved dramatically.  There are things I am doing now that I haven't done in a year or more and I am so happy (something I haven't felt to this degree all in 2011).  It is unfortunate how this affected my program plan, but I continue to find so many blessings that have risen from all of this.

CMB : #8

Since it's Christmas & a Sunday, I thought a CMB post was fitting.

This Christmas and every other day of the year, I am grateful for God's wonderful gifts to me: 

my family, Duncan, my friends, providing me an education, understanding my passions and helping me make them fruitful, having a roof over my head and food in the fridge, the strange Atlanta weather, my health, my metaphorical heart (that is passionate, empathetic, and joyful), my metaphorical brains (that is filled with the constant desire to learn and evolve), having a whole bunch of canvases ready to be painted on, my sweet little furrbabies who bring such a smile to my face, and my faith that keeps me going on days when my heart and brain sometimes can't.

So, many of you might have seen/read about Duncan.  

I normally am not very mushy gushy (on here or in public... or even with him, haha!), but I thought I would share a little bit about him.  He is, after all, the love of my life.  

Dunx is my best friend, my cheerleader, my Mr. Fix-It, my sous chef, my traveling buddy, my partner-in-crime, my little engineer, my handsome future husband, and often my better half who continues to build me up but also keep me grounded.  He is the smartest man that I know, he keeps me laughing, and has such a big, empathetic heart (though it may be a little impatient sometimes!).  The boy has just as many dreams as I do and it warms my heart listening to him talking for what can seem like hours sometimes about them.  He loves his family more than I've ever seen from another male and is so amazing with the furbabies.  And, after my immediate family, he is God's best gift to me.  I am just so excited what God has in store for his future and I am so blessed to be a part of it.

Us a few hours before he proposed.

--

Lastly (but certainly not least in any way!), since today is the day in which we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, I did feel like it was necessary to do a little dedication to Him (I normally prefer not to on this blog since religion and faith is a personal choice).  

I came to know Him and welcome Him in to my heart when I was a Junior in high school.  I wasn't going down the best path and often found myself empty.  I had been in two serious relationships and got to the point where my relationship with them was all that I knew how to be.  Eventually, I learned that I couldn't love another until I loved myself.  It was then, that I made the slow journey and developed the most important relationship in my life (of course He comes first, in spite of my overwhelming love of Duncan, my family, and my friends).  He has provided me with so many gifts, blessings, and graces and I know He is always watching over me, protecting me, and guiding me (even though sometimes, I fail to trust and I am hesitant).  With all that said, I wouldn't be who I am today with out His love and my relationship with Him.  He was patient and knew that I needed to go down the path I did in order to genuinely go down His path for me.  It is Him that has brought me to where I am now and I am so grateful and so blessed. It is even on my darkest days (which have been relatively frequent the past couple of months) that I am still confident in my future and in His plan for me.

Well, enough of my thoughts!  I just had to have these two dedications today.

Have a very Merry Christmas!

CMB : #8

Since it's Christmas & a Sunday, I thought a CMB post was fitting.

This Christmas and every other day of the year, I am grateful for God's wonderful gifts to me: 

my family, Duncan, my friends, providing me an education, understanding my passions and helping me make them fruitful, having a roof over my head and food in the fridge, the strange Atlanta weather, my health, my metaphorical heart (that is passionate, empathetic, and joyful), my metaphorical brains (that is filled with the constant desire to learn and evolve), having a whole bunch of canvases ready to be painted on, my sweet little furrbabies who bring such a smile to my face, and my faith that keeps me going on days when my heart and brain sometimes can't.

So, many of you might have seen/read about Duncan.  

I normally am not very mushy gushy (on here or in public... or even with him, haha!), but I thought I would share a little bit about him.  He is, after all, the love of my life.  

Dunx is my best friend, my cheerleader, my Mr. Fix-It, my sous chef, my traveling buddy, my partner-in-crime, my little engineer, my handsome future husband, and often my better half who continues to build me up but also keep me grounded.  He is the smartest man that I know, he keeps me laughing, and has such a big, empathetic heart (though it may be a little impatient sometimes!).  The boy has just as many dreams as I do and it warms my heart listening to him talking for what can seem like hours sometimes about them.  He loves his family more than I've ever seen from another male and is so amazing with the furbabies.  And, after my immediate family, he is God's best gift to me.  I am just so excited what God has in store for his future and I am so blessed to be a part of it.

Us a few hours before he proposed.

--

Lastly (but certainly not least in any way!), since today is the day in which we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, I did feel like it was necessary to do a little dedication to Him (I normally prefer not to on this blog since religion and faith is a personal choice).  

I came to know Him and welcome Him in to my heart when I was a Junior in high school.  I wasn't going down the best path and often found myself empty.  I had been in two serious relationships and got to the point where my relationship with them was all that I knew how to be.  Eventually, I learned that I couldn't love another until I loved myself.  It was then, that I made the slow journey and developed the most important relationship in my life (of course He comes first, in spite of my overwhelming love of Duncan, my family, and my friends).  He has provided me with so many gifts, blessings, and graces and I know He is always watching over me, protecting me, and guiding me (even though sometimes, I fail to trust and I am hesitant).  With all that said, I wouldn't be who I am today with out His love and my relationship with Him.  He was patient and knew that I needed to go down the path I did in order to genuinely go down His path for me.  It is Him that has brought me to where I am now and I am so grateful and so blessed. It is even on my darkest days (which have been relatively frequent the past couple of months) that I am still confident in my future and in His plan for me.

Well, enough of my thoughts!  I just had to have these two dedications today.

Have a very Merry Christmas!

"Do not abandon yourselves to despair. We are the Easter people and hallelujah is our song." -JPII

There are many things wonderful about today and this weekend and in the midst of everything that has been happening this weekend, I think it is important to remember the wonderful, beautiful important of all of our lives. So in celebration, I am going to post about:

1) This amazing Holy Weekend of Good Friday and Easter Sunday,

2) The anniversary of an amazing Pope that met with Jesus this day five years ago.

 

HOLY WEEK 2010

The following are tweets and such that I thought were quite interesting regarding Good Friday. I guess it's just another day to some people. But it's such a beautiful day and weekend for me. I think that of all the Holidays of the year, Easter is my favorite. The fact that Jesus died on the Cross for us after an already long night and day of torment is just... heart wrenching. He loved us so much He sacrificed Himself for us. He died for us and that is just the best gift He could have ever given us. On top of it, He continues to pour blessings on us.

Last year, I was able to be there for my boyfriend as he entered into the Church at the Easter Vigil. I remember my Confirmation day... it was definitely one of the best days of my life. So I can only imagine how he felt. He was so excited, too. We unfortunately had no time to watch The Passion of the Christ last year, so hopefully we'll have time to fit it in this Easter weekend.

 

• 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  	@Silversmyth Good afternoon! Happy Good Friday and #FollowFriday too

  
  
  
  
  cokeman777‎ - Twitter - seconds ago

 

• 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Haha no doubt!! RT @JonathanJelks: It's good friday.... gotta do some good deeds... Shout out to Jesus! sole_search‎ - Twitter - seconds ago   Remember kids, today we celebrate the death of a man after being whipped and nailed to a board. And that's why we call it "Good Friday"! ricardomelo‎ - Twitter - seconds ago Are banks open on Good Friday? Is there mail? ... Find out. #GoodFriday Good Friday: What's Open, What's Closed - Courant.com‎ - courant.com hartfordcourant‎ - Twitter - seconds ago

  
  

 

 

WORLD: Pilgrims fill St. Peter's Square on Good Friday Pilgrims fill St. Peter's Square on Good Friday - World - GMANews ...‎ - gmanews.tv

gmanewstv‎ - Twitter - 8 minutes ago

Twitlonger: RT @ItsIMANIrose: RT @BrookeSutton: #GoodFriday ...

Apr 2, 2010 ... RT @ItsIMANIrose: RT @BrookeSutton: #GoodFriday remember he laid down on † this day for us ppl so #PutGodFirst & watch him work mysteriously ...

www.twitlonger.com/show/ncm6h - 1 minute ago

 

	On this Good Friday, which leads to the season of Easter, may we all - regardless of our own beliefs - try to follow the path Jesus trod.

mzemek‎ - Twitter - 11 minutes ago

POPE JOHN PAUL II (1920-2005)

Pope John Paul II was born in post-World War II Poland as Karol Josef Wojtila. He is arguably one of the most celebrated Popes in recent Catholic history. During the second World War, he entered the seminary. He was ordained in 1946 and completed two doctorate degrees. He became a professor in moral theology and social ethics.

Pope John Paul I died after a 34-day reign in 1978. After seven rounds of balloting, the College of Cardinals chose Karol. He became the youngest Pope in 132 years and the first non-Italian Pope since 1522 with Pope Adrian VI.

He spoke eight languages: Polish, Italian, French, German, English, Portuguese, Latin, and Spanish--which was learned after he became Pope).

He added the Luminous mysteries to the rosary.

Time Magazine voted him the Man of the Year in 1994.

He wrote and published fourteen encyclicals.

I was born into the John Paul II papacy, unfortunately I was not able to fully enjoy his legacy until the day of his funeral. I was "shadow"-ing my friend at her school that day and they were having a special mass because at the same time in Rome, millions of people gathered for his funeral (something that has been called the world's biggest funeral). I eventually transferred to the school and as I became more informed and active in my faith, I only wished I had enjoyed all the blessings earlier. Fortunately, his successor, Pope Benedict XVI, is just as brilliant and I'm eager to see what more he has to offer us.

QUOTES FROM JPII

"The great danger for family life, in the midst of any society whose idols are pleasure, comfort and independence, lies in the fact that people close their hearts and become selfish."

"The fear of making permanentcommitments can change the mutual love of husband and wife into two loves of self--two loves existing side by side, until they end in separation."

"Freedom consists not in doing what we like, but in having the right to do what we ought."

"The truth is not always the same as the majority decision." [This is something I find particularly important as of late.]

"The worst prison would be a closed heart."