08 April 2013

Monday Inspiration

"I married the wrong guy."
I was reading the March issue of Self magazine (the only magazine I subscribe to because I read it cover to cover), and I came across an article titled :

I married the wrong guy.
He was sweet, sexy and financially stable, and I told myself we'd be great together.  I was totally lying.  By Anonymous.
 Well, I continued to read.  In the back of my mind I was just waiting to get to the part about how they ended up together and then how they got a divorce.  I was expecting a "I made a mistake, I fixed it, I moved on and I am happier than ever" type of marriage & divorce tale.

To be honest, the title kind of rung with me.  Of course, I don't think I married the wrong guy.  My husband is wonderful, but I feel like in this day in age, this is a common theme: Mr. Right versus Mr. Right Now.

So anyways, I was reading the article about how this woman was dating all the wrong guys but finally found one that was actually pretty decent.  She was getting older and knew she wanted to have kids so she didn't want to continue dating just to date.  She gave him an ultimatum: 

"If w're not going to marry and have kids in the next two years, I can't stay with you."

I know that may sound awful to some, but I can understand.  Dating can be wonderful: you learn about yourself and others, how to handle situations, how to be selfless, and about new perspectives on life and the world.  But sometimes, if you know you want to have kids or get married, you don't want to just keep letting the years go by with the "wrong" person, because then you could be spending time finding someone who does want the things you want.  So I respected that she said that... and they got married and had a baby within two years.

She proceeds to discuss how miserable she is.  She had what she always wanted yet she was so unhappy.  Fast forward to a second pregnancy, the discovery that her husband was talking (nothing more) with another woman, and the delivery of her son.  In the hospital after delivery, her and her husband got in to a big fight.  Here it was.  I was waiting for this moment for her to spill out, "I want a divorce."

But, it didn't come (and you probably guess this already).  There was some great teasers, though.  But, instead she realized that she wasn't trying on her end.  She was expecting her husband to be x, y, and z and acting like a "spoiled child" when he wasn't x, y, and z.  So, here comes the realization and conclio:
"And so, I made the most important choice of my life: to full commit to my marriage.  Not to an ideal of love--but to real, complicated love, where things are rarely easy and compromises are constant....  I slowly began to behave differently, to act like the person I wanted to be.  It wasn't easy at first[...] but that's part of the challenge of being married.  The more I laugh, the funnier Nick is.  The more I show my appreciation  the more appreciative of me he becomes.  Having things my way, I've come to understand, is less important than having some real to love.  I've given up my fantasy of a perfect husband for the reality of a stable family, and, to my surprise, I'm happy--at least most of the time."

I read that and I felt inspired.  Divorce is so common today.  But even when we're not talking about marriage & divorce, I really believe people fall victim to the "me-needs" and "me-wants" that they forget that sometimes being happy can include the "they-needs" and the "they-wants."  Relationships take work.

I'll never forget reading this advice:

Love is a choice -- not a feeling.

I may not always like my husband, but I love him.  He is my best friend and my life partner.  We made a commitment and became one when we got married.  I may get annoyed at him, but I know I can be annoying to him sometimes.  But I chose to love him, honor him, cherish him forever and forever I will.

The same goes for my family.  They may have different personalities and we all may clash sometimes, but we love each other at the end of the day.  Isn't that all that matters?  

13 comments:

  1. I give that woman a ton of credit for trying to make it better. Then if in the end it doesn't work she knows she gave it a go. But it does sound like it will work for them and that's wonderful.

    And I give you a ton of credit for writing this post and sharing it with all of us. I hope it helps someone who is in a similar situation.

    Hugs,
    Kara

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  2. Love this post. Thanks for sharing.

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  3. I love this, and it's a great inspiration! Thanks for sharing!

    Amberly
    http://amberlyandjoe.blogspot.com

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  4. Thank you for sharing! Something I needed to hear, even though I didn't marry the wrong guy, some days it can feel that way if I let it.

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  5. This was kind of perfect timing. I'm not married, and I don't think I'm dating the wrong guy, but we are having some problems. Only right now am I realizing that I'm also expecting my boyfriend to be x, y, and z, when I'm not being that myself.
    I'm glad I found this post on twitter :)

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  6. I loved that article! And I really loved that same paragraph that you shared. I agree, divorce and ending a marriage because 'you're just not happy anymore' has become so common, but it's refreshing to see someone tough it out and realize that happiness comes so much easier if you choose it. Is marriage always fun and easy? Nope. But it's so rewarding when you realize you stuck it out through the bad days to get to the really really good ones.

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  7. I love this post! I've even forwarded it on to a friend. Friday night we had a craft night and at one point during the night we started talking about how frustrated we can get at our husbands. We basically spent 30-45 minutes telling each other all the "bad" things about our husbands. We should have been talking about what we can do within ourselves to try to fix some of those things. I think sometimes it's hard to remember that we can't "fix" or change other people. We can only change the way that we react/interact with them. Thanks for sharing!

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  8. Found this post through Nessa on Twitter. Great post! And very true!

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  9. I agree with this- to a certain extent. Yes, love is a choice, but sometimes it may be impossible to overcome the feeling that you are not meant to be with someone, the feeling of unhappiness, or especially feelings of distrust. On the other hand, I do believe that she will probably start to be a LOT more happy in her marriage, because it is so painful to be constantly asking yourself "is this what I want? did I make the right choice" when you feel you have already made a permanent choice anyhow!! Obviously I have a lot of thoughts on this, but that just goes to show that it was a really interesting post- thanks for sharing!!

    Some Snapshots Blog
    Jess

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  10. Great post :) Wonder how I missed that article?? I subscribe to that magazine too! Now I have to go find it somewhere in my stack lol

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  11. love that article! I am always so encouraged by marriages that stick it out and chose to love and respect each other. it is not easy, but it is worth it! and i want to stay with the husband of my youth so I will chose to love and respect him even on hard days!

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  12. Oh loved this and I think we where kind of on the same page with our posts! Love it is a choice not a feeling bam isn't that the truth!!

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  13. Thanks. Very inspiring.God is love. His nature is love. His kind of love is selfless. The opposite of love is selfishness which is the motivation for all other evils. As long as we commit to put others (our spouses include) we shall experience the best in our sex lives and any other relationships. Thank you for capturing all this in your write ups! God bless you

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xo, amy