"I married the wrong guy."
I was reading the March issue of Self magazine (the only magazine I subscribe to because I read it cover to cover), and I came across an article titled :
I married the wrong guy.
He was sweet, sexy and financially stable, and I told myself we'd be great together. I was totally lying. By Anonymous.
Well, I continued to read. In the back of my mind I was just waiting to get to the part about how they ended up together and then how they got a divorce. I was expecting a "I made a mistake, I fixed it, I moved on and I am happier than ever" type of marriage & divorce tale.
To be honest, the title kind of rung with me. Of course, I don't think I married the wrong guy. My husband is wonderful, but I feel like in this day in age, this is a common theme: Mr. Right versus Mr. Right Now.
So anyways, I was reading the article about how this woman was dating all the wrong guys but finally found one that was actually pretty decent. She was getting older and knew she wanted to have kids so she didn't want to continue dating just to date. She gave him an ultimatum:
"If w're not going to marry and have kids in the next two years, I can't stay with you."
I know that may sound awful to some, but I can understand. Dating can be wonderful: you learn about yourself and others, how to handle situations, how to be selfless, and about new perspectives on life and the world. But sometimes, if you know you want to have kids or get married, you don't want to just keep letting the years go by with the "wrong" person, because then you could be spending time finding someone who does want the things you want. So I respected that she said that... and they got married and had a baby within two years.
She proceeds to discuss how miserable she is. She had what she always wanted yet she was so unhappy. Fast forward to a second pregnancy, the discovery that her husband was talking (nothing more) with another woman, and the delivery of her son. In the hospital after delivery, her and her husband got in to a big fight. Here it was. I was waiting for this moment for her to spill out, "I want a divorce."
But, it didn't come (and you probably guess this already). There was some great teasers, though. But, instead she realized that she wasn't trying on her end. She was expecting her husband to be x, y, and z and acting like a "spoiled child" when he wasn't x, y, and z. So, here comes the realization and conclio:
"And so, I made the most important choice of my life: to full commit to my marriage. Not to an ideal of love--but to real, complicated love, where things are rarely easy and compromises are constant.... I slowly began to behave differently, to act like the person I wanted to be. It wasn't easy at first[...] but that's part of the challenge of being married. The more I laugh, the funnier Nick is. The more I show my appreciation the more appreciative of me he becomes. Having things my way, I've come to understand, is less important than having some real to love. I've given up my fantasy of a perfect husband for the reality of a stable family, and, to my surprise, I'm happy--at least most of the time."
I read that and I felt inspired. Divorce is so common today. But even when we're not talking about marriage & divorce, I really believe people fall victim to the "me-needs" and "me-wants" that they forget that sometimes being happy can include the "they-needs" and the "they-wants." Relationships take work.
I'll never forget reading this advice:
Love is a choice -- not a feeling.
I may not always like my husband, but I love him. He is my best friend and my life partner. We made a commitment and became one when we got married. I may get annoyed at him, but I know I can be annoying to him sometimes. But I chose to love him, honor him, cherish him forever and forever I will.
The same goes for my family. They may have different personalities and we all may clash sometimes, but we love each other at the end of the day. Isn't that all that matters?